Why riot?

A lot of things in my life happen randomly, except the things I wish for.
Anyway. Back in January’15 during a random conversation with the best friend, we decided to get inked. She was pretty sure of what she wanted, but I was struggling between “Oh! This or that”.
I just couldn’t zero down on anything that described me, or something that I was okay with to live with every single day of my life.

Later in March’15, I updated the name of the blog to Riot Writes, after a friend gave me the name Rioting Star, for all the mayhem my thoughts caused us. Chaos. Beautiful effing chaos!

If you know me well, you’ll know how terrible I am at prioritizing people over thoughts. I’d die for my people, but sometimes my mind decides to put me in a birdcage with the zillion thoughts & feelings to battle with.

It’s a chaos in there. Head & heart, both.
So precisely, a Riot : of thoughts, feelings, love, whims & fancies.

Few days after admitting to the feeling of being a riot, & realizing that I’ve been one all my life; I found a distinct correlation to another essential thing that defines me in this word.

The i & o, became 1 & O – delineating the binary behavior I possess in all my situations.
This. Or. That.
I can’t do maybes.
I don’t believe in second chances.
I can’t do grey.
& everything needs to be either black or white.
That’s about it.

& that’s how riot (without the title on i), became my namesake, & I was Okay to see it on me all my life. (You know Okay is my favorite word, right?)

Last week, after nine months; I finally got inked!
29 days of 2016 have been adventurous & I’m pretty sure it’ll get more chaotic & beautiful along the way!

Just can’t wait!
P.S. No picture, cause’ see it to believe it.

Twist it, silly!

I live on to-do lists. My life revolves around calendar invites and stick notes for every thing. (Including having green tea!)
But off lately, I’ve realised my routine is becoming too monotonous. 

My work is sorted, adapting to this new city is just about sorted, learning a new dance form is sorted, space from family is happily sorted, my hearts caged enough to wander, again sorted. 

But then, why do I feel fidgety? Why do I feel the need to move around in my space? In whatever little space I have. It’s like a bug itching me constantly. 

I’ve been in this city for two months now, without any holiday, without any weekend getaway, without moving my ass from home-office-bar chairs. 
So maybe it’s about the city.  But again, booked my tickets to a beach, & boom! Sorted. 

I’m starting to have issues with the word “sorted” now. I want some drama & I want some adrenaline rush & some yayness. 

Being simple never really got anybody anything, right? So why settle with a “sorted” life?

So decided. I’m going to twist around few things, tweak the monotonicity, & give some peace to the bug. 

I do. I don’t. I do. I don’t. I do. I don’t. I do. I do!
That has more “do’s” than “don’t’s”. Maybe just how we all need to look at life, from a twisted angle! 

Howsoever. What so ever. I’ll keep it happy & twisted. 

Bombay, I’ve arrived!

3 months in Bombay. Done. Done. Done.

Not that I am counting days, but this ‘magical city’ hasn’t sprinkled the love-dust on me yet. To be honest, I haven’t parked my ass in this city for over two weeks in a row. But all said and done, something should be felt. Just a happy heartbeat, or a crying night; or maybe an extremely adventurous day that gives me a rush. Basically ‘something’ that makes me feel for you.
I am the hard-to-please kinds, and Delhi is imbibed in every sweat & blood & tear of mine, but. Something.Should.Be.Felt.

90 days. No. Just about 60 in this ‘okay-ish’ city have been fun.
From moving away to moving in; from adjusting with parents, to strangers; from ordering food to cooking; from finding things, to getting them; from living to surviving; it’s been a fun ride. Not denying any bit of it.

I haven’t started hating the city & that should be commendable! Some special few things/ people have made me live, LIVE. You know the kinds you hit off really well with, who pamper you, & feed you home food, & watch silent sunsets with you, & try hugs, & protect you like a baby in a new monstrous city- I’ve found those. S- If you’re reading this, I’m sending a squishy hug {}. Just try and make it squishy, okay?

Not to forget. A happy work life does lead you to a stress-free mind, & lets you concentrate on all the chaos. Thank you LinkedIn, for letting me focus on all the randomness in my head and letting me being a riot.

You’ve made me a stronger and an independent person*, Bombay. *More, precisely.
Call it the perks of moving away from home, but I do miss my folks back home. & that’s allowed, right? I miss those holding-her-hand while sleeping nights, cuddling with my babies, those random eye contact conversations with my girls, few off-hand dates, sudden drinking nights with the boys talking shit serious stuff, and ghar-ka-khaana! Sigh 😦

A.N.Y.W.A.Y.

Choices & decisions. This is what I chose, & I’m almost on the track of making it big.
I just need to learn the art of saving, which is going to be difficult, BUT.I.WILL. (Everybody who’s laughing, SHUSH!!)

So Bombay, I’ve arrived.

I’m giving you all of mine to make me feel something for you. Love or hate. I don’t like the grey zone, so let’s settle on either one of them.

Let’s move beyond the ‘okay-ish’ tag, shall we?

This place called Bombay!

5 April, 2015- Bombay.

(I prefer Bombay to Mumbai, somehow)

While I’m at some 36,000 ft up in the air, I have random thoughts in my head pacing 100 km/second, the lump in my throat too huge to swallow, & the weird turbulence in my stomach just refuses to stop. 

It’s done.
I’ve left my home; and I’m just about to step in a completely new phase of my life.

WEIRD & BLAH!

Ever since I’ve made the decision of moving away from Delhi- from my people and the place I call home; I’ve been facing a lot of whys & yays.

The answer to the “Why Bombay?” one is pretty simple. Reset was needed. Reset was demanded. Reset is happening.

But the honest reaction to the “Yay Bombay!!”, is a mixed emotion of 80% sadness & 20% happiness. 

I honestly don’t know how am I gonna live through the night knowing my little one isn’t next to me. I honestly don’t know how am I going to fight everyday with mom on Skype. I don’t know how easy is it going to be to get my reasonings & logics & answers with dad on a call. I don’t know how am I going to have my gossip evening coffee or spend the night drinking, without my bunch of people. 

I. DON’T. KNOW! 

But. Despite all this, I am eagerly looking forward to “my own time”. Explore the new city to find my own self. I think I’m just going to distract myself with all the adventure & challenges that await me. 

OKAY THEN!

Here’s to a new city, new set of people, lot of travel, lot of humidity, & cats and dogs of rain. 

To new “happy” beginnings. 

Butterflies & Sunshine

It’s been over a month since I successfully (?) completed my #SomethingFebruaryProject. And after much ado about nothing, (lot of somethings to say), it’s time for a new project.

There have been a lot of conversations about continuing the same project, extending it a bit, redoing each one; or taking up a new thing altogether. I chose the latter.

I chose some butterflies; the tingling sensations, the funny stomach growls, the fast heartbeats – exactly the way I felt before the #SomethingFebruaryProject; & lot of sunshine- the warm hugs, the flying-catch-em’-right-kisses and heaps of positive reinforcements; that shone upon me after it.

I don’t know if this one is going to be easy on the eyes, but it is for sure going to be extremely hard for the mind.
I don’t know if it’ll be emotionally straining, but definitely a BIIIIGGGG confidence booster to put it right.
I don’t know if it’ll let me have peaceful thoughts, but it certainly entails lot of sleepless nights.
I don’t know if I’ll get some warmth in the hugs (initially), but I’ll no doubt find some upbeat muses around.
I don’t know a lot of what’s in store, but I do know that whatever it is, it is happy & needed-demanded-deserved.

As they say, “Change in inevitable. It comes down to you, JUST YOU, to make it for the good or for the bad.” I honestly don’t know what it’ll be eventually, but then it doesn’t cost a penny to be optimistic right?

So for the many butterflies & lots of sunshine waiting for me, it’s time to reset – to a better me.

Till then, best.

P.S.
What’s the new project, you ask?
Crafting my own home, in a new city.

Okay is my favorite!

After more than twenty-two years of knowing the alphabet, zillions of words, and lots of sensible & stupid sentences; I’ve found my favorite word.
Okay‘ is my favorite one.
Why? Cause it fits everywhere perfectly.

Okay gives me some kind of a supernatural power that heals everything
It helps me calm down in this forever running-never relaxing world.
It tells me to relax while making a ‘Want v/s Have’ decision.
It just tells me that whatever it is, it will be fine.
It helps me forget all the dramatic things.
It gives me time with myself.
It makes me be happy.
Okay just helps.

And whatever helps, whosoever helps, and how so ever they do; is a favorite!
Not. Letting. Go!

Okay then,
Go find your favorite word that makes you happy! 😀

Wrong is darn right!

Few things. Few “wrong” things to put it correctly, do a lot of good to you.

Few wrong things, help you forget.
Few wrong things, show you the brighter side of the world.
Few wrong things, don’t judge you or your tears.
Few wrong things, give you sparks of happiness.
Few wrong things, distract you from reality.
Few wrong things, fall for your false smile.
Few wrong things, don’t term their presence as a favour.
Few wrong things, walk with you, to wherever you want to.
Few wrong things, feel for you unconditionally.
Few wrong things, make you come over heartaches.

Oh darling! These few “wrong” things, are just meant to be darn right.

Let’s escape to discover

When things happen haphazardly with you, around you, you tend to get lost. You forget what you want, what you desire, and more importantly who you are.

It’s been over two months, I’ve been running away from reality, turning away my face from love and burying it in excel sheets. But now, I’m tired.

I’m tired of not facing my heart, tired of finding distractions, tired of not valuing love, tired of finding solace in random things, tired of not being happy, and just tired of myself.

And thus, it’s time to get lost to find myself. Again.

A solo trip. Nothing better than this to help.

So here’s to three days of being just me, no laptops, no emails, long walks, silent conversations, lots of coffee and cake, and a vintage city to explore.

To Kolkata, and me.

Till I find myself, again.

All in due time

Are you lost?
Do you feel lost?
How often do you feel it?
I feel it right now.
And every second day.

Lost in terms of where I am, what am I doing, why am I doing it, should I be doing this, am I doing it right? Questions which I have no answers to, and don’t feel heartily happily answering it. A pretty messy phase to be in. And the funny thing- I can’t do messy!

I like it organized. I need my To-Do lists to be clean. I can’t stand a furrowed bed sheet. I can only have strong well-made coffees. I can’t do with your mindless chatter. A little too much of the little things in life. And right now, I feel the mere reason of my existence is to sort the mess. Somehow. It’s like that weird feeling of meandering without a plan, yet feel home in it.

But, what baffles me the most, are these arbitrary questions popping in my head.

“Can you just wander around?
Can you explore without settling in?
Can you? Or well, should you?
Does it matter to YOU whether I have a plan for my future or not?
Does it matter to ME whether I have a plan for my future or not?”

I don’t know.
Honestly, I don’t intend to know either.

A while ago, when I was jumping, screaming and shouting my heart out; I felt unheard. And I read this quote in a beautiful book (I forgot the name) which gave me a smile straight away. – “If you want the world to hear you, be loud. But, the world will take its own sweet time to hear you. Be patient, because it WILL happen. But in due time!”

And those 30 words infused courage and hope within me! This messy phase, whatsoever little happiness it holds, makes me smile. It makes me laugh on silly jokes; makes me give free hugs to friends,;makes me kiss his nose for the sweet nothings he utters; makes me fascinated by the idea of exploring unheard places with strangers; makes me take random adventures all by my own; makes me fall in love a little more, makes me laugh a little more; and live a little more than more.

So I don’t mind NOT having a plan right now. I can wander and explore around, without settling too soon. Well, I should. And I think everybody should once in a while, digress in their dreams, get lost in their own thoughts and let life take us wherever we’re destined to be.

Cause boy! You’ll reap what you sow.
All in due time.

He sent me that sign!

One. You can’t miss an infectious laughter.
Two. You can’t help but laugh along!

The other day, I was wondering what makes people jump off a comfortable couch and make them walk on a patchy road. Simple terms, what powers them so much that even ‘comfortable’ becomes monotonous?

Never got to know the real reason- maybe I never will, but my mind did some wandering and came up with this workaround.

We all depend on reassurances. Like an external hand to hold, a ray of sunshine to brighten our day, somebody’s excitement to overshadow our dreary day, just something.  Something that, the moment it touches you, you rejuvenate! – A spark that passes through your body and you recuperate like a new person altogether!

Too flimsy to believe, but makes liitttlle sense.

Honestly, I do look out for such signs before making an important decision. Not always, but when the inner self is too reliant on the lazy couch to move forward, then! Let me tell you something candidly, these are 100% stupid things – sister picking the same colored gem, or mom calling me at 8:30 pm sharp, or even something like a dog walking towards me. W.O.R.K.S. (Tell me if you don’t!)

Maybe I won’t understand the ‘why’ behind its pure existence ever, but the never ending want for something ‘more’ plays a role. The other definitely lies in the fact that we all look out for an external faith to stabilize ourselves. Maybe stabilize is a strong word, but something that sparks your entire soul; something that gives us the assurance to fly, something that shouts at a mountain-top that ‘Hey! Things are greener on the other side. Go! Jump!!’

So I jumped.
Because, I had to.
Because, I wanted to.
Because, he sent me that sign!